There she goes(Song by Lee Mavers, The La's)
There she goes again
Racing through my brain
And I just can't contain
This feeling that remains
Late this afternoon, I had to go out to do some errands. We're finally getting some spring weather here, but it's still fairly cool. I wasn't wearing anything special—black-patterned white hoody, red and blue scarf, skinny jeans, Z-strap flats. Often when I'm just going down the street, I don't put on any makeup, but I had some on already from earlier in the day.
Several times, I got looks from men. Not smiles, not come-ons, but not trying to figure me out either. Just looks. Checking me out. I wasn't feeling particularly fetching. Maybe my hair has reached a certain length. Maybe hormones have pushed me past a certain threshold. Or maybe it was all just my imagination.
I have a good imagination. I think it's helpful for getting through life, as long as it doesn't get away from you.
I had a weird thought while I was walking: "No, you don't want to look at me, I still have a penis." I think trans women who keep their penises are perfectly fine, even admirable. But I know it's not for me. Maybe I don't have quite enough imagination. Maybe I'm too literal-minded or conventional. Or maybe I just need that body map match. For whatever reason, I need to have my boy parts converted into girl parts. I wish it could happen sooner, but at least it will happen.
This is a pretty friendly little city. Unlike in some places, eye contact is allowed. Women look at me too, and smile. I smile back. That warms my heart. Women are not really one big sisterhood, but sometimes at least there are connections, woman to woman. I appreciate that very much.
This evening, Sweetie and I watched Deepa Mehta's newest film, Heaven on Earth. Normally she makes wonderful films, even extraordinary films, but this one missed the mark. She wrote a script about domestic violence in Sikh families here in Canada. It's a mess, but we got the idea. We see the headlines whenever an Indo-Canadian woman is killed by her husband.
Sweetie and I were cuddled up. As we were watching one of the scenes in which Chand, the protagonist, was being beaten up, a different thought ran through my head: "I'm glad there are no men in this house." Get it? No men. I still have doubts and insecurities, but my sense of myself as a woman is very strong now, despite my anatomical differences. That still surprises and delights me.
I have always hated violence against women. I hate violence of any kind. But there's something else that's different. Violence against women, and other women's issues, are now personal issues. As strongly as I felt before, I feel differently now.
It's too bad those who don't accept us as women can't see inside us.
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8 comments:
As a "victim" of violence against women, it can also be guys who are just as affected and it's just as personal. My mom was killed by her partner in 1992. Violence against a single person is violence against society as whole and has a far reaching impact. I don't blame men for this; I blame ONE man. (I also blame his family who knew he was like this, did nothing and then had the gall to steal from my mom's property the night before the funeral).
I do think that men can have a closer understanding of violence against women because they too can be affected by this. I know my father, who had been divorced from my mom since I was a "wee thing", cried miserably and was frustrated at his inability to do anything (granted, they hadn't spoken, AFAIK, in over 15 years).
It is a different kind of affect but it's still profound.
As we were watching one of the scenes in which Chand, the protagonist, was being beaten up, a different thought ran through my head: "I'm glad there are no men in this house." Get it? No men.
Interesting thought. It is almost as if you're saying that ALL men would cause violence against women (and we both know this isn't true). Disproportionately there is a higher number of attacks against women by men for all the wrong reasons (primarily, IMO, the inability of a person to learn to communicate and have self-worth but that's a whole blog entry on it's own). But that doesn't mean that there isn't violence, by partner, against men. I've seen some women who browbeat and physically attack their men.
It is about the fact that no such person who wants to lord themselves over another is in your house. Your house is built on respect, love and communication (based on what I've read in your blog). And that is what matters. If you truly are afraid of a man being in the house, then, if I may be so bold, you are feeding into the FUD that some radical feminists put forth (i.e., all men are scum).
I'm sorry about your mom, Linus. That's a terrible thing. I agree that everyone can be affected by violence like this.
It is almost as if you're saying that ALL men would cause violence against women (and we both know this isn't true).
My mistake not to leave in a sentence that I wrote in the draft, but that kind of got in the way of the point I was making, so I snipped it. I wrote something like, Of course I know that most men do not perpetrate violence. I didn't mean for that to slag all men. It was really about my brain knowing I'm a woman and no longer a man.
Interesting thoughts.
I had a similar thought the first time I went to a support group meeting and someone from the county prosecutor's office was there to talk about hate crimes. For the first time, I had the feeling like I was part of the queer community. Not that queers are the only targets of violence, or that queers can't be perpetrators of violence. But I was shaken from my complacency.
I think one part of straight male privilege is the sense that you are safe no matter what. Which of course is a delusion. When we shift boundaries - like coming out, changing genders, etc - we become aware of our vulnerability, vulnerability that we share with other groups.
I get nervous now if I am walking alone at night in Seattle as Jill. Nervousness I don't feel as John. I crave walking with other people when I am out as Jill.
I should feel the same sense of vulnerability and solidarity no matter what gender I am. But I also can't deny that there are people who would inflict violence on someone just because of that person's gender or appearance. And while straight men can be victims of hate crimes, I think the risk of being a target is much higher if you are female or appear female.
When I presented as male, I usually felt safe. I did not, however, feel safe around guys I knew could and possibly would beat me up. Tough guys, drunk guys, belligerent guys, guys I feared all my life.
Oddly, I'm not afraid of those guys any more. It's like I see through them, and somehow I feel like they are more likely to beat up a guy than a woman. However, I do feel vulnerable walking alone at night, especially in certain places in the city.
I mentioned once to my therapist that I often had to wear certain shoes because I was going somewhere from which I would come home late at night by myself. She understood immediately -- shoes you can run in. A terrible thought, but it's reality.
Just to add one thing. I do not live in fear. When I walk down a dark street, I still walk with confidence and certainty. I do not look like a target. But I am much more aware of my surroundings than I was when I presented as male.
There can be little doubt that women are naturally vulnerable in society.
Transwomen are uniquely aware of the differences for no less a reason than we have walked on the other side of the street.
As we transition, we get a cold lesson in the reality that GG's grow up with. Not only are we less physically powerful than men, we are inevitably conscious of the differences. Then, as if to compound the situation, we discover that men watch women - constantly. One can disappear into the crowd to some extent; but not entirely when half the crowd is almost constantly on the prowl.
It is not so much a matter of living in fear as it is one of being aware of our vulnerabilities...and know our strengths as women.
You are quite right, Veronique, transition changes our understanding of social violence, especially as it affects women.
this has nothing to do with this post, but i wanted to share this film myself and a couple others worked on about a transgendered individual
http://vimeo.com/3772066
Nice job on the video, Brigitte. Shane seems like a really interesting person.
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