I'm not thinking about how long it will take before I can see the assessing psychiatrists. I'm really not. I have plenty of life to occupy my mind. But I find that it's there in the background. Maybe it will fade away. I don't know.
I admire trans women who have the confidence not to need or want genital surgery. I applaud their choice. I know some who have made that choice, and they are no less women to me than those who have had surgery. I wish political jurisdictions would recognize that they are female.
Even though I have huge amounts of confidence in my daily life, I'm afraid it doesn't extend to being OK with my penis. Perhaps I'm not courageous enough, or maybe I'm just too conventional. Whatever the reason or reasons, I know I will go through the pain and hassle in order to have a vagina, clitoris, and labia. That's how I think of it—not as losing something (other than my testicles), but as gaining something I want very much. I have visualized myself that way since I was a child. It's about time I had the correction made.
I guess that's why the delay is depressing. I've been on hormone therapy for a year and a half. I've been full time for more than a year. I live my whole life as a woman. Others see me that way, and I see myself that way. I want to complete the process. For me, the year of real life experience was necessary, but now I want to proceed. I wish I could have got a jump on it.
Continuing to live with my current configuration shouldn't be a big deal, but it feels like it. It gives me pause sometimes. I would never try to join an all-female health club. There is no way I would be comfortable right now in a women's locker room, and almost certainly no way other women would be comfortable with me. I probably wouldn't even go to a Pilates class or anything similar. I have worn a bathing suit exactly twice since I started transition, both in very controlled circumstances. When I wore the lavender dress on Saturday, I was glad for testosterone suppression. There was no margin for error, even with a gaff.
I don't want anything to show. I want it changed.
I guess even though I think of my non-op friends as completely women, I don't feel quite that way about myself. Yes, I am a woman, especially out in the world, and proud of it. I wouldn't let anyone say otherwise. But I'm conscious of not having the complete physical package yet. I'm reminded when I get dressed. I'm reminded when I shower. I'm having a hard time waiting for that to be different. But wait I must. Might be time for a therapy appointment. At least I can get that without too much delay.
More Beautiful You
58 minutes ago
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Veronique,
You have stated many of my own reasons for pursuing GRS - and more often than not, they are rooted in the practical realities of life, and in particular the peculiar 'halfway there' status that RLE tends to produce.
As I approached RLE, I had deliberately left the surgery question open for myself. I had certainly thought about it, but left the decision open ended, mostly on the basis that I could well have found that I was perfectly happy to get by without it.
What I have found is that I'm no longer interested in being "in between" - emotionally I'm not, so why should I be physically?
And it's important to consider whether one can be happy without GRS. If it's possible, in many ways life stays simpler, although of course one remains stuck with mostly "M" gender markers. I thought for a long time that I wouldn't have surgery. Now I know I will, and would not truly be happy without it. It's just what you said -- you're there emotionally, so let's finish the job.
The public system here in Quebec in incredibly slow. They have been known to make people wait for two years for HRT. It's almost like they are trying to discourage people. Which is why I went the private route after six months of wasting my time in the public system. True, there is the cost factor, but I fear I might never have got the approval for GRS from the public system and even if I had, I might have had to wait 10 years because the medicare system here has a pretty low quota, I think.
So, Veronique, if you see the public system dragging things out eternally for you, you might bite the bullet and find the money to do it privately.
Love
Jillian
I have discussed this subject many times with my good friends. I totally understand where you are coming from and I agree. With me, it is all or nothing. At this point, I have chosen nothing (not transitioning). That could change and, it it did, it would be warp speed down the SRS highway.
I was at a dinner one night with a mixed group of CD's and TS's. Some, while understanding the concept of going full-time, just could not relate to the idea of SRS. It was a very interesting discussion reminding me that, while we are all TG, we are all different.
Calie xxx
@Jillian: I've now seen three friends go through our public system successfully, with one in recovery even as I write, so I know it will happen for me. It can be a slow process, but not two years. If I had wanted to avoid it in the first place, of course, I could have set my own timetable.
@Callie: I managed to get along pretty well as a fairly androgynous male for the better part of 50 years. Yet when I achieved enlightenment, it wasn't long before I needed all of it, including female genitalia. Yes, all or nothing. I just have to be patient.
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