I found this blog post by Renée, author of Transsexual Ferox (I have no idea what that title means), via Lori's A T Revival blog. I was struck by how uncomfortably true so much of what she wrote is. Having transgressed yet again this evening, I thought I'd post the link, for myself as much as for anyone else. But if you haven't seen this entry, it's worth your while. Just be prepared.
It's hot here. Seriously hot, not just hot for Vancouver, but hot hot. We're setting records. In this office, I'm sure it's running well into the 90s F, despite the efforts of the little fan by the door. I was DJing in Second Life tonight, sitting at my hot computer for two hours plus. So I was wearing a bikini, not just the top, because even my short shorts were too hot. At one point, I remarked to Sweetie that I knew I still had some weight to deal with but that I felt like I was looking OK. I guess I asked for some feedback. She countered by saying that she doesn't always want to be talking about my body.
Ouch. That stung. But of course she doesn't. Right now, she's dealing with the heat less well than I am. She can hardly sleep. If there was ever a time to shut up and not talk about myself, or about anything gender-related, it was now. But I did. And I feel bad, because I could have avoided the situation.
Yes, there are two sides to this. It's amazingly hot. I'm doing what I can to stay cool. I'm in my house, no one can see me, and wearing minimal clothing helps me stay cool. It's also liberating for me. Despite my skinny ass, still flabby waist, and minimal breasts, I've wanted this for so long.
At the same time, I'm sure it was quite enough for me to be running around this way, and maybe too much. Sweetie probably wasn't feeling all that sanguine about it. And then I made it worse. Stupid me. My feelings do get hurt, but I guess I feel like I should cut her more slack. Maybe that's guilt talking. And I didn't think I had any.
She and I are doing great, but that doesn't mean nothing will ever go wrong. I don't want to be an idiot about these things. I don't want to babble when silence would serve the moment better. I don't want to be insensitive rather than perceptive of what's up with her. That's what I consider a masculine trait, and one I particularly want to get away from. I'm a lot more perceptive and empathic than I used to be, but no one is perfect, least of all me.
I'm sorry, baby. I'll keep trying to do better. You please keep letting me know, before anything builds up, how you feel.
Going Home For The Holidays
1 hour ago
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6 comments:
Hi Veronique,
I wrote that post, partially to show how really hard this is for everyone. Everything in it is tried-and-true support methodology of the empowerment variety, but actual crisis support advocates would not be dealing with their own family members or spouses. There are very good reasons why we're discouraged from having or developing personal bonds with our clients.
Secondly, it doesn't sound like you knew that your wife was in need, and you shouldn't have to walk around on egg shells. Frankly, it sounds like the typical kind of grumping that sometimes happens between married couples. And she's entitled to grump but at the same time, this is part of what being married to you now means, and there are going to be times when you need to talk about whatever issues you have. The support train should go both ways.
And I know you already know these things, as well as the fact that you need to let yourself off the hook for some of that guilt, but I guess I'd thought I'd throw it out there anyway.
Renee, after I posted that entry, I lay in bed and cried. Most of the time, I think my sweetie and I are thriving. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really good for her. You're right about eggshells. I do want to cut her some slack, but at the same time I'm not going to go back into any closet.
I was thinking of a follow-up post, but I think there will be a private talk instead. Yes, kids, some things actually are private. :)
It is a priceless blessing when we have someone who sticks with us especially when we hear of so many couples who find it impossible. Damp pillows seem quite common these days for all sorts of reasons. having said that, today i nearly cried for joy when I heard the words " I think this skirt would suit you"! They are dealing with it in their own way, i just try to keep life as normal as possible, normal just slowly changes!
Caroline XX
@Renee: The talk did us good. :)
@Caroline: I can understand you being overjoyed at such a comment! And you're right about normal. Well said.
@ Veronique
Yay!
My partner has commented once or twice that she doesn't want to always hear about my transition. And I can understand that. It sometimes seems like a broken record.
I think we have to realize that it's neither a bad or good thing that partners express that. They have as much of a right to express their feelings about things as we do. So we need to respect it and realize that sometimes we may talk too much about one thing and become too much navel gazing. We are more than our transition.
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