Yesterday was a bitch. I have bad days, like anyone, but yesterday was particularly bad. It started with an email message from a friend who will also be having her genital surgery in Montreal. She wrote that she had a tentative date a couple months after I had hoped to be able to get my own appointment. It seems the Montreal clinic is much more backed up than it was a while ago. I'm still eight days away from my psychiatric assessment. I might be back to looking at spring again, certainly not November.
I was so crushed by this that I didn't even congratulate my friend on her surgery date, until I realized how awful I had been and wrote back a second time. I suppose I should never have been counting on having surgery this year, but I set myself up to expect that it would be possible. Silly me.
One of the criteria of the assessment for surgical readiness is that if there were a delay in getting surgery, I might be disappointed but not in crisis. Yesterday was not a crisis, but it went beyond disappointment, and that can't go on.
Since I've lived with male genitalia all this time, you might think that a few more months should be no big deal. You would be wrong. It's true that I did not go through my life hating my genitals, even though I fantasized about having different ones. Even not that long ago, I thought I might not need surgery. Oh, how things change! I have been on hormone therapy for a little over a year and a half. I have been living full time for more than a year. I am so ready.
Do you hear that, dear doctors? I'm ready!
Why should I not be? I am a woman, all day, all night. I'm quite certain of that. Yet I am a woman with a penis. Do you know how much that sucks? I know it works fine for some, and too many others have no choice, but for me, it's just wrong. It should be fixed. Delay is, well, let's just say very disappointing. I want to get on with my life. I want all my gender markers to reflect my actual gender. I want to be able to do anything that any woman can do without embarrassment or fear.
I want to be whole.
Going Home For The Holidays
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5 comments:
I can understand this. I hate being stuck in-between, too, and I hate being classified by bureaucrats as a male when I live as a woman full time . . . This is a dangerous time because our emotions are all over the place and we are anxious to get on with it.
After you get approval from the shrinks, book your surgery date immediately. It's all you can do.
Be strong. You are a woman, and you will finish this journey.
Jillian
It's really disappointing. But you don't know that there will be a delay until you book the surgery. I hope it's a pleasant surprise. I feel like you're my big sister, a few steps ahead of me. You're living so much of the dream already - here's hoping you can complete everything soon
@Jillian: They won't actually give me a firm date until they get the "BC" (the letter promising to pay), but I might be able to do what a friend did and get a date based on a letter my therapist writes. If the lead time is that long, I won't worry about the province not coming through in time. I'm going to try. I know I'm too impatient not to. :)
@Jill: True, although I'm pretty sure my friend would have taken an earlier date if she had been able to, since she had been hoping for one. We shall see.
All good things come to those who wait, surgery is an important thing in all our lives especially me since I have lived on the boarder. Just to know that feeling of having it complete makes my eyes weep but I know I will have to wait since I am unemployed and it will cost $19000 to have it done.
But sis, I will have it completed before I am sixty. Just be patient hun and it will be here in no time at all.
Love ya Sis, always watching :-)
Sis, I know you'll get there. Just a temporary setback at the moment. The US economy might never be what it once was, but it will get better. You have skills. Someone must need what you have to offer!
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