Like ðe olde towne crier used to say: "11 o'clock and all's well!"
Not quite two years since I finally, truly came to terms with being transsexual, a year and eight months since I started hormone therapy (although I eased in gently over the course of a few months), 15 months since I went full time, and just under five months before I am scheduled to have genital surgery, all is, well, normal. Pretty normal. Life is not all about transition or being trans any more. Life is mostly about living, as myself.
At 55 years old, I'm glad to have less excitement in my life. I'm glad to be well past the confusion and the fear. I'm glad to be over the giddiness of that first estrogen rush. I'm glad to have learned what looks good on me and what doesn't, and glad for the realization that I am not a teenage girl. I'm glad to have worked through the pain and difficulty in a marriage strained to the breaking point by transition, too much, too fast. I'm glad to have mostly got past the numerous comings out, past the point where I went totally public, never to hide again. I'm glad that to have reached the point where I can marvel at the joy of each day in a quieter way.
There is still plenty of excitement before me. There's the matter of a rather important surgical procedure, and perhaps more than one (thinking maybe an eyelid lift and a nose trim to go along with my new genitalia). I'm waiting for the letter that says the cost will be covered by the province, and waiting for further instructions from GRS MTL. There will be tests, lots of them, including an EKG which curiously I have never had despite my father having succumbed to a heart attack when he was a mere 10 years older than I am. (I shuddered just a bit when I wrote that.) And there will be the flight into Montreal in the dead of winter for a date with a handsome, charming, and talented reconstructive surgeon.
There will also be a not-so-exciting but certainly trans-specific recovery period, with more dilation than anyone could possibly want. It's just part of the process, and it gets easier as you go along. I hope eventually there will be the rediscovery of my sexuality and of new, different physical sensations.
I don't expect my life to become dull. It's already more exciting than my old life was, at least since the rock and roll days. For one thing, I take more pleasure in everything now, including the quotidian joys of life. I am more interested in being involved in things than I used to be, and I have more connections to the world outside my house. I even like my job more.
One thing that has not grown less is how grateful I am for this life, the excitement, the quiet, all of it. Every night, I thank the Goddess for the day I just had, whether it was a good day or not. I thank her whenever I feel moved to do so. Even though I'm past the point where everything is a big deal, I am far from blasé. Today, I carefully got into the car and smoothed my dress under my legs, and went to see clients. As I drove up the street, I said out loud (I do that in the car), I wouldn't give this up for anything. Yeah, those kinds of feelings still make me cry a bit.
Despite so many things I wish could be better, I love this life, and I'm grateful for it. I'm glad that it's just my life now. The real adventures have only begun.
Going Home For The Holidays
2 hours ago
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6 comments:
I'm so happy for you! You have peace, contentment, and the simple joy of living. Many people fail to attain this, and end up miserable, or create drama to make their life interesting and see others become miserable, or... well, I could go on and on. All I can say is: Go Girl! :)
How funny, our blogs seem to parallel a similar understanding of our place in the RLE. Life IS so much more than transitioning, especially now. And while I know a great many people who have said, "I'm done, what next?" For me I'm not finding myself without a vision or a purpose to move into new territory. Family life, my love for music, and my career are enough to keep this girl busy.
@Amy: I had thought drama was behind me. Mostly it is, although it did perk up there for a while, and my life is still a lot more, well, stimulating than it used to be. But yes, it's great to be happy with things just as they are.
@Lori: My official one year of RLE was done last May, but of course it's all RL from now on, isn't it. :) I know you have real things to keep you moving forward. Same here, notably counselling but also many smaller things, and connections with wonderful people. There is so much in our lives!
Real life just goes on and on. The journey doesn't end (at least until that inevitable state of being that is sometimes compared to taxes), it just changes.
I just have to say, I really love reading your blog. Keep up the good work. :) I just added you to my blogroll, so feel free to do the same if you're so inclined. ;)
What a lovely post, Veronique!
We all need something to be happy with in our lives, and it is only right that we express our gratitude to those around us for what they have helped us achieve in our lives.
Even though gender transition often seems like such an inward looking process, when we look back on it, it is hard to deny the contributions of those nearest us in getting to where we are.
Thank you for reminding each of us that it is good to reflect on the joy in our lives and what we have wrought through long, difficult struggle.
@Amy: Thank you for reading and commenting. Your blog is now in the roll!
@MgS: You're right. We never do this alone. At least we hope we don't! I really do feel like this entry quite often. Of course, I also sometimes feel like the whiny entry about bra shopping that I chose not to post. I have lots of joys in my life, but the joy of very much physical transformation isn't one of them.
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