Be not afraid

I've been dealing with difficult feelings over the last few weeks, and often I deal with them here. Writing can be therapeutic for me, and it's something I can do immediately, whereas getting an appointment with my therapist takes time. But sometimes in the process I might be doing what as a counsellor I am ethically bound not to do—going beyond my competence. And sometimes I might hurt people without intending to because of my own fears.

Last night, I had a long IM conversation with a very good friend. More than anyone else, this friend is responsible for opening up my world, more by who she is than by anything she did (although she also gave me valuable information). She identifies as genderqueer, and I love her dearly. She knows she can tell me exactly what's on her mind, and she did.

As a result, I have realized I need to add a few things to what I've been writing lately about transgender and about being a woman and specifically about my last post. And I need to fess up to something.

First, drag queens. I mentioned two in particular, then went on to generalize. That was wrong. I don't know either of those people well enough to know how they see themselves. I've had only casual conversation with them. There's nothing to say that a drag performer could not actually be transsexual or anywhere else on the trans spectrum. In general, I think I was correct in saying that drag queens are men who like to perform dressed as women, the best known example being RuPaul, but I have no business saying how any individual performer feels about gender.

Second, crossdressers. I pulled out much too broad a brush. Crossdressers are as diverse as humanity. I can't judge the gender dysphoria of any individual crossdresser or know why they do what they do, and don't do what they don't do. I did mention that some crossdressers are really transsexuals going through a particular phase of self-realization. Most transsexuals I know seem to have cross-dressed at some point in their lives, myself included (although briefly), and even considered that to be their identity. But there is a huge range of gender dysphoria among crossdressers and myriad reasons why they are on their particular path.

My friend also reminded me that it's not always fun and games. Some crossdressers who have done so only in private are in mortal terror when they first venture into the public sphere, even at a "safe" dinner gathering. Yet they do so. That's not just playing with gender. There is something else at work.

Finally, genderqueers. Again, we're talking diversity. My friend is not like anyone else I know. Like any drag queen, crossdresser, or genderqueer, she is a person, not a set of behaviours. She is who she is because that is how she is most comfortable in life, and it's not an easy road by any means. And there are so many others with many reasons for being the way they are.

Another thing my friend reminded me of was the distinction between gender identity and gender expression. The kinds of expression in which people engage might not correlate directly with their identity. Identity is something that's part of us. Expression is our public face, and we can express our identity in many different ways.

I have lots of gender-variant friends and know of many more gender-variant people, but I admitted that I don't understand a lot of gender variance. I should have left it at that. "Don't criticize what you can't understand," wrote Bob Dylan many years ago. Good advice.

I also admitted that I was dealing with some personal discomfort having to do with the painful part of realizing what I was being still too close and too fresh. It's actually worse than that.

I have always wished I'd been born a girl. I have always wanted to be a woman. I didn't want to be trans-anything, and that's one thing that scared me away from transition for a long time. But I am transsexual. I admitted it, and I'm dealing with it, but somehow it still causes me some discomfort.

And now I find myself with a certain amount of cissexual privilege. Because of how I am generally perceived, I do not have deal with trans-ness all the time. In general, people don't make me do so. Whether they know my history or figure me out or not, they treat me like any other woman.

Therein lies danger. When you're trans, it's very seductive to be allowed to be virtually not trans. It causes me to pull away from all things trans. It makes me...afraid. Yes, sadly, it's called internalized transphobia. I'm dealing with that too. We often use "-phobia" to mean "hatred of," but in this case I think I'm being honest in saying that it's simply fear. Fear that doesn't make me hate. Fear that makes me run away.

My friend told me not to go wearing a hairshirt about this, and I'm not going to. None of us is perfect, but there are some things about myself that I really want to change. Transition fixed so much for me, but it's not magic, and indeed it highlighted new problems. So even though I still have strong opinions on a lot of things, such as who is a woman, and I'm not going to go all wishy-washy in an attempt please all of the people all of the time (an old trap for me), I still want to apologize for going beyond my competence and for making pronouncements far too influenced by my own prejudice.

Sometimes, I still need therapy and not just blog writing. But when therapy is not available, it's amazing what talking with the right friend can do. I already feel as though something in me has started to heal.