A genderqueer friend posted a notice on Facebook about an upcoming "night of gender bender entertainment." Which got me thinking.When I was making my tentative first steps out in public, once a month or so I used to join a group of mostly crossdressers for dinner followed by a drag show. This was a great group, and they helped me through those awkward first few months, when I didn't really know what I was but knew I loved going out looking fabulous. In the beginning, Sweetie would join me. Back in the day, she used to hang out with drag queens and had seen more drag shows than she cared to remember, but I don't think I'd ever been to one before those shows in the spring and summer of 2007. I'd met drag queens, but drag culture was still foreign to me. I was sheltered and naive!
Those were fun shows, and the two performers who put them on (and still do) are very nice. But I can't now bring myself to call them "girls" or "women," except in jest. They're gay men who love to do drag performances, and one especially has a strong association with the local crossdresser community. The crossdressers loved those shows. There seems to have been an assumption that anyone out with "the girls" must be into drag shows. I had fun for a while, and then that was enough for me. I haven't been to a show in a couple of years.
I think crossdressers are fine, but again, I call them women really only to be polite. After all, I appreciated being treated as a lady well before my gender expression was anywhere close to acceptable, and I owe them no less courtesy. I call them by their female names, usually the only name I know anyway, and use female pronouns. But I don't think they really are women. They live their lives as men. Their expression of femininity is perfectly legit, but it doesn't make them women.
Drag queens play with gender for entertainment purposes. Crossdressers push gender boundaries to satisfy an inner need, and indeed some of them are in the first stages of realizing they are not actually crossdressers, as was the case for me.
Is there a fundamental difference between those who transgress societal gender boundaries and those who, finding themselves with a brain-body mismatch, transition to the biological sex opposite their birth sex? Some people with brain-body mismatches go through a transgressive phase, as I did. I wished at the time that I was a transgresser, as I had been in a low-key way at various times in my life. In the end, that was not for me. But there seem to be plenty of transgressers who are happy with being so and have neither desire nor need to change biological sex. Are the causes of transgressive behaviour and transsexuality related, or not?
I love my genderqueer and crossdressing friends. I love that they turn gender on its head and discomfit society. Genderqueers, gender radicals, gender anarchists. It's all good. But the further I move along my own path, the less I feel I have in common with them on the gender front. There is an element of fun in transgressing gender, or at least there should be. Realizing that one is transsexual is not fun.
I have a trans friend, well into her transition, who "came up" through drag culture and is still very much at home in it. I know there are others among the group I used to hang out with for whom drag culture is part of their world, even as they transition. But I am not comfortable.
For me, a lot of gender transgression, especially of the entertainment variety, trivializes what for me was a very painful process. I think that's the crux of the matter. I don't think there's anything wrong with what they do. I just don't really want to be near it. I'm amazingly happy now, but maybe the memory of how I got here is still too painful and too recent.
There are reasons I still see my therapist from time to time, even though I'm mostly doing well.
So it could be just me, and something I need to deal with. Still, I continue to wonder about that big transgender tent and whether we all really belong under it.
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14 comments:
DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON! Now entering dangerous territory!
Heh heh...
I guess it depends on whether you view the concept of 'transgender' as a social or a political phenomenon.
Socially, the various subgroups that are transgender have very little in common. We all have different needs that drive us, and do not necessarily intersect in our social needs.
Politically, however, we all share common fundamental objectives, and face many of the same obstacles. Further, in the public imagination there is little understanding of the difference between a cross-dresser or a transsexual. Consequently, what happens with one group really does affect the others under that same umbrella.
I respect and celebrate the diverse communities that are broadly called transgender; but I consciously recognize that we don't have to intersect socially.
First off, I want to give you kudos for the magazine cover with Tilda Swinton on it. I love her!
My progress has mirrored yours. I hung out with a large group of crossdressers and went to drag shows and such. I was a transgresser, wearing makeup and feminine clothing, yet not trying to pass as female. (It's all documented in my "blast from the past" entries.) I did have a lot of fun and I really didn't care what people thought. Now that I've realized I'm a transsexual (running strong for six years), I care. Sometimes I care too much what people think.
I'm waiting for some irate people to send you a fiery comment (i.e., flame). I hate to say it, but I don't consider drag queens or crossdressers to be women either. Drag queens probably wouldn't care either way. "Hey, honey... I'm not a woman... but I look dammmmm good!" Crossdressers would probably be a bit irate. "I'm every bit of a woman as you are." Well... if they were, wouldn't they at least have the desire to transition, even if they weren't able to? Near the end of my outings (in more than one sense of the word!) with my crossdressing friends, I found that they were hindering my ability to be seen as female. I was sitting at a bar with two crossdressers. One looked really good. The other... ehhh, not really. I overheard these women at the bar when I was coming back from the bathroom. "That one is a man! What about the one next to her?" "Yeah, I think that one is too. What about the one who went to the bathroom? She is kind of pretty." I sat down. They stared at me and then looked at each other, nodding their heads and smiling. Dammit! I felt so bad but I really wanted to ditch my friends and find some genetic girls to hang out with. That made me feel terrible because they were my friends!
So it would seem that you are either female inside, or not. But isn't gender more like an ocean? You know, like these Myspace or Facebook quizzes that everyone takes. "You are 80% female." So I'm 20% male? Is that because I like computers, comic books and D&D? I recently read of some transsexual woman from overseas, who said that she believed herself to be 45% male, and 55% female. Her therapist agreed with her, and wouldn't give her the letter she needed for GRS. I don't think that's right.
You and I aren't being elitists. So many crossdressers have said that they're envious of my long hair, boobs, and that I never have to hide anything. I do think that most of them realize the sacrifices one must make in order to transition. Yeah, I have all those things, and more. But look at what I don't have. Family, friends (though I'm making new ones), being gendered as something other than what I'm trying my best to present - female, a job (I seem to impress them at the interview, and then I'm sure they run my background check and see my old name), and the list goes on and on. Some of them might transition if they didn't have to lose those things. Or maybe they just enjoy waking up the morning after a drag show and spending a day as nothing more than the average male.
Hey honey, you can't have your cake and eat it too.
@Trish: Hehe. You know what they say about fools rushing in, and I ain't no angel. Always glad to see that you are still groovin'!
@MgS: I realize there are political reasons for the umbrella, and indeed for putting LGB and T all together. The kinds of discrimination we face are similar, from people who aren't too adept at the fine points of gender and sexuality. I support a person's right not to be discriminated against if they break the "normal" bounds of gender expression. I'm just not sure that's the same thing as protection from discrimination for those of us dealing (properly) with a medical condition.
Hi Amy. You get your own reply. :)
Interesting story about your crossdresser friends, and one that is repeated often. And it's sad, because these people are friends, and often good friends, but sometimes you need to grow in the different direction.
I think you're right that there's no 100 percent male or female. Or there is, but the hyper male and female tend not to be very interesting. Put not thy faith in Facebook quizzes, for they contain divers spelling mistakes!
I know there are crossdressers who want to transition, but they don't for various reasons. And those reasons might be compelling enough to counteract their trans feelings. I was amazingly lucky in my transition, losing only my mother in the process, not my partner or job or friends, but I had to proceed without knowing that outcome. I tried to be smart in my transition, but I couldn't control all those variables. If I'd played it safe, I wouldn't be where I am.
I'm sorry you've paid a heavier price. And therein lies one difference. Crossdressers can remove their femaleness at the end of the night and have the benefits of being "normal," whether happily or not. We are who we are, 24/7.
...and we wouldn't... no, couldn't have it any other way.
Thank you for your reply. :) I hope you wouldn't mind if I posted my comment as a blog. I think my followers could benefit from this story as well.
Amy, cross-posting is fine with me.
@Amy:
Or maybe they just enjoy waking up the morning after a drag show and spending a day as nothing more than the average male.
I think right there you have hit on one of the precise reasons why crossdressers often don't get transsexuals. (some do, but not all) ... and vice versa.
Just as transsexuals know that they can't "put it on the shelf", and don't understand how the crossdresser can, the reverse is equally true.
At best, we can empathize with each other's trials, but we are sufficiently different from each other that we simply don't quite speak the same language.
Okay, I'll throw in an opposing opinion here.
First off, where I'm coming from: I've been on hormones over two years, and went full time, work and everything, just this past month. I am currently 54 years old, and, like almost all of us, have been wrestling with trans issues since a very early age.
Now, on to my argument.
So, if I can paraphrase the arguments in the entry and comments so far: a CD isn't a woman because they don't do anything about their feelings. Do something permanent. Okay, let's run with that definition:
What was I before I started hormones? CD? TS? TG?
There are opposing forces fighting in every one of us: there is the desire to go further, and then there is fear, and sometimes, realistic concerns (finances, family, local prejudice, etc).
Some folks don't want to transition because frankly they don't want it bad enough. Fair enough, that's fine with me. Others don't transition because the fear is too high, or the family responsibilities are too high (would you transition if you knew with certainty that the government would kill your family? I think not). There are opposing forces here, and just because someone doesn't transition, don't assume it's because they don't want it enough (and therefore, aren't really transsexual).
I was bound by fear and inertia for decades. I liked dressing up during that time. I always wanted to transition, I thought it was impossible, unreachable. So, during that time,what was I? What would you call me?
If I was a CD then, did I suddenly become transsexual when I decided to start hormones? Was that the tipping point? Well, actually, I started 'mones in '98, and quit, thought I was okay. What was I then?
My solution, for myself, is that I try not to go to these arguments. They're like the La Brea tarpits - you fall in, you don't come out, and we have fun putting your bones back together in a million years.
CDs, TSs, TGs, they're people. They're women when they have a skirt on. They're whatever they want to call themselves all the other times. They have the right to be who they are, and arguing over labels just isn't worth it. IMHO. My two cents. Or, 3 with inflation.
Oh, and I agree with Amy K - kudos for posting that magazine cover, I'm gonna go try and find a copy.
To Judith: As far as what you were before you started hormones, I would rather think you were born transsexual and have been since then. What I was pointing out in my reply (which I'm not sure if you were referring to, or rather maybe it was the main post?), is that gender is like an ocean. I would think that if you were more male than female inside, you're a man. If you're 30% female and 70% male, then you would generally have no problem being being called a man and seen as one. You would probably not experience any dysphoria. But with such a large percentage of femininity in you, that would need some release via crossdressing, or maybe in some other way. It's often hard to tell who is a crossdresser and who is a transsexual, because nobody can be sure of these percentages. This often includes the person in question.
I am also polite in mixed company, and always refer to crossdressers as women and use the correct pronouns. It would be disrespectful not to.
As MgS pointed out, if they are totally comfortable presenting as male and always have been, (and if they aren't in denial), then I would say they are a man with a heightened female aspect to them. It's hard for many transsexuals to imagine wanting some "guy time," and it's hard for many crossdressers to be able to see how a transsexual could have GRS and "cut it off," since they often prize that aspect of their antatomy. Transsexuals have more of a drive to be live as a woman. It's a full time job. Crossdressers (those with more a greater percentage of male than female) enjoy femininity as a part-time job. No benefits, no 401K, but then they enjoy their other job and don't want to give that up. That's my 2 cents. :)
Hi Amy,
Well, I think I was responding not to just you, and thanks for your response.
I think what I'm after is this: just because someone calls themselves a crossdresser, and never does 'mones or transitions, it does not allow us to conclude that they're always comfortable with their masculinity and are therefore not transsexual. i believe that a lot of the folks that some "dismiss" as being "only crossdressers" (including some crossdressers themselves), are in fact transsexual, experience a lot of internal discord, it's just that they have enough pressure in the other direction that they never make the choice and transition. Our external observations of someone else will never be sufficient for us to categorize them as CD or TS. Anyone looking at me 10, even 5 years ago would have assumed I was CD. It's only in retrospect that you'd say that I was probably TS my whole life (I agree, by the way). My point is, we can never be sure when looking at someone else.
Personally, I find the schism between the CD and TS communities disturbing. Every time there's a distinction between "us" and "them", it's a setup for conflict, discrimination, and that, well, that sucks.
Good discussion, thank you.
You're welcome, Judith, and I agree with what you said. :)
@MgS: You're right that I don't really get crossdressers. But I have also been guilty of generalizing. Not good.
@Judith: Thanks for disagreement. I was afraid I was losing my touch! :)
I have to figure you've always been TS, because of where you ended up going. It just takes some of us (me anyway) a while to recognize that in ourselves.
As I wrote to MgS, I was guilty of generalizing. Among crossdressers, there are all kinds of people with all kinds of reasons for being the way they are. I should never have used such a broad brush.
"My solution, for myself, is that I try not to go to these arguments."
And yet you jumped in anyway, and I'm glad you did. :)
"They're women when they have a skirt on."
That I can't agree with. There's much more to being a woman than putting a skirt on.
"Personally, I find the schism between the CD and TS communities disturbing."
There shouldn't necessarily be a schism, but I know I don't have a lot in common with CDs, other than as people.
@Amy: Too much generalizing about CDs. Some I'm sure are not comfortable at all going back to male mode, but have circumstances in their lives that require it. And find those more compelling than the need for feminine expression.
@All: There will be a follow-up post when I have a chance to write it. I'm not backing down, but after speaking with a friend, I know I need to do some 'splainin'.
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