Commitment

It struck me the other day that I have never committed to anything in my life the way I have committed to my transition. That would include my marriage. I'm solidly committed to my marriage now, and I have been for much of the more than 19 years, but I also had some serious lapses in there. There have been no lapses in my transition.

The key to commitment, at least for me, is to want something enough. For most of my life, I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't understand or trust my own feelings and desires, not just about gender but about anything. I would think I wanted something, but after some period of time the enthusiasm would wane. That was a pattern that was repeated again and again. When those are the things you look at, it's no wonder my siblings have been skeptical, to say the least, about my transition. (Interestingly, I don't think my mother is skeptical, just upset.)

But focusing only on the failures overlooks the things I did follow through on. I completed my undergraduate degree, with high honours. After one failed marriage, I've been with the same woman for more than 28 years. I have been associated with my employer and its predecessors for more than 20 years, on contract for a few years (due to having crossed the border) but mostly employed. I completed a certificate in software engineering, and I am five weeks, one presentation, and one paper away from earning a certificate in counselling skills. I have been volunteering on the LGBT help line for two and a half years.

I don't know why anyone would put my transition in the same category as a brief dalliance with ham radio or membership in this or that church. That strikes me as a cynical way of viewing things, looking only for the negative. I'm a pretty accommodating person, but I have a low tolerance for cynicism and negativity.

My commitment to my transition has been so solid because I now understand my feelings and desires, and I want this transition to work more than anything I've ever wanted. I realized I had an issue. I learned everything I could, and I got professional help. I underwent a medical evaluation and worked through issues with a psychotherapist. I realized that I was transsexual and that if I didn't transition then my life was never going to be right. I went on hormone therapy, transitioned socially, and in less than four months I will have surgery so that my genitalia will match my sense of being female. That's all huge, and all the more so because it takes a greater commitment even than the things I've already done successfully.

Even though transition is more difficult in absolute terms than anything else I have done, it's really a labour of love. I got rid of the real burden when I came to terms with what I was and realized what I needed to do about it. There have been difficulties during transition to be sure, and a lot of work to keep a relationship together. There have been tears because of the breach with my mother and because sometimes even a labour of love wears you out. But more than anything there has been joy beyond anything I ever imagined. I had no idea this was how life is supposed to feel.

Committed all the way, for the rest of my life? For anyone who thinks I'm crazy to be doing this, I'll put it this way: I'd be crazy not to go all the way with the best thing that has ever happened to me. You bet I'm committed.