On Monday night, my sinuses were hurting, not quite enough to make me get up and take drugs, but enough that I was having trouble falling asleep. And when I'm sick, sometimes I have bad thoughts. Untrustworthy thoughts that nonetheless intrude for a bit.
I had the first anxiety I've had about my upcoming surgical procedure. Not about the procedure itself. That couldn't be in better hands. And not about having the procedure. I want a vagina more and more every day. No, the anxiety was about my own part in the recovery. There are a lot of things to do. It's not easy "babysitting a vagina," as my therapist puts it.
Sometimes I still have fear of new things. Fear of not doing things right. Fear of not being good enough. Fear is really one of the worst things in the world. It can paralyze you. It can twist your thoughts in all kinds of harmful ways. It can push you toward bad choices, including the ultimate bad choice.
Thank the Goddess for my friend and fellow blogger Jillian. She had her surgery at the clinic in Montreal, where I will also go, and she has blogged about the whole thing—amazingly, even only a few hours after the procedure was over! I found her A Day in the Life entry especially comforting. There it is in black and white: what my day will be like once the packing is removed and I start to do my own maintenance. It's not such a big deal after all. I can handle that.
Jillian is one of five women I know, either personally or via blogs and such, who either have had or are having their genital surgery this month. It's funny to read statements about how many trans people opt not to have surgery. You can't prove that by my friends. Five in one month!
So now I'm a little weepy not from anxiety but from wanting this so badly. I feel more incongruous every day. If my date weren't coming up soon, I probably wouldn't even think about incongruity, because in most of my life I don't dwell on it. But when I think about surgery, then the need becomes more pressing.
I have plenty to do between now and January. It's just that some days it's difficult to stay calm and focused. And yet I have to. Life doesn't stop just because I have vagina envy.
Going Home For The Holidays
2 hours ago
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4 comments:
I know I know, we all look forward to having our vagina's but enjoy your life right now sis, its only a couple months away. I am so envy of you and everyone else, I wish the doctors would have corrected my issue when I was younger but then again I am happy he didn't, because I would never have met you and all my followers here. Just live for today, tomorrow will get here and yesterday is over.
Love ya Sis
And you should know that we all will be there with you every step of the way. Envious, Yes, but we'll be there. Relax and enjoy the miracle you will receive.
Hugs,
Julia
You'll get there and beyond, and everything will be fine. You're quite a capable woman, as I've seen while reading through your blog. You can do this! :)
I would like to ask a question if I may. I've been curious about this for some time, but it's just one of those things that sits on the back burner until you realize, "Oh yeah... that." How long would you (or I) have to dilate. I know it's about once every two hours at first, then you slowly taper off to once a day or something... but do you ever stop dilating? And if not, how often would you have to do it, say... 10 years from now? Someone told me that I'd have to dilate for the rest of my life, but would it still be a daily event, or more like weekly? Thanks. :)
Thank you, dear friends.
@Amy: I'm not the expert on dilating by any means, but I believe you have to dilate for the rest of your life. Not often, once a week I think, and penetrative sex counts, but you can't stop completely.
You should ask one of our post-op friends. :)
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