Sweetie and I were sitting in a bus shelter, waiting for the bus to come on a cool but sunny afternoon. Two guys on Harleys stopped at the light, looked back toward us, and asked how we were doing. I didn't get a great look at them, but they weren't "biker" types, just guys. I smiled. Sweetie probably ignored them.
It was such an odd coincidence, because I woke up today wishing I had some male attention. I don't know why I was thinking that. Maybe it's because my remote male friend with whom I IM and text a lot has been unable to get online much lately. Maybe it's because I recently read blog entries from Suzanne and Rebecca about getting male attention and more, and I hear about it from my friend Breanna quite often. Maybe it was just a mood.
After the biker guy thing, I asked Sweetie if she ever missed male attention. She said no. She wondered why I would want any. But here's the thing. I know I look good, and about 15 years younger than my chronological age, and I have nice hair (especially when I've just washed it and blown it dry, as I had today). I get compliments from women, especially when I dress well, and frankly those are more meaningful to me than anything a guy might say or indicate by his behaviour. Sweetie tells me when I look pretty, and that's the most meaningful compliment of all. It doesn't really take much to get a guy's attention, and a guy paying attention to me would be a pretty shallow feeling. But I can't help it. I want that shallow feeling! Somehow, it's a particular kind of validation of how I look that other women can't give me.
I think I know what it is, and it's not new. I've written about it before, yet somehow I forget. When I was a guy, I was not asexual as many trans women were. I did my share, maybe more than my share, of paying attention to women. So now, maybe more than most, I want to be the recipient of the kind of thing I used to dole out. Shallow, meaningless, but enjoyable nonetheless. It's more of that object-of-desire stuff.
I'm not nearly as young as Suzanne or Rebecca. I can't get attention with my body as many women can. And I have to admit that I don't put myself in the kinds of situations where I'm likely to get male attention. Even though I look younger than I am, I'm a little past the club scene. I'm not out to compete with 20- and 30-something women for the attention of 20- and 30-something men. Even a cougar has to know her limits!
And then, I work from home. I do my practicum at a place staffed entirely by women. Most of my friends are women. The straight men I know are married. The other men I know are gay, and sometimes married as well. Much of the time, I live in queer female space, and I quite like it. My relationships with women really are the most meaningful to me.
So unless I want to find a way to spend more time in places where men more-or-less my age also spend time, I guess I'm just going to have to get over this and be happy with the occasional drive-by shouting.
Going Home For The Holidays
2 hours ago
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3 comments:
You know, all you have said here is meaningful for me as well. I'm at an early stage in my transition - just over a year from coming out, on hormones only for six months - but already I notice people in sharp relief so to speak, and, strangely, not only the women I'm supposed to have an eye for, but some men as well. I long used to regard myself as somewhat 'asexual' but nevertheless not gay, or at least entirely without any same-sex relationship history. Now that seems to be slowly modifying.
I'm explaining it by telling myself that as a trans person I need to be hyper-aware of what's happening around me, and who is paying attention, as a kind of sensible self-defence measure. But I've had some thoughts of what it might be like if caught in a social situation like a meal out with a (real) girl friend and her man, plus me and the man's chum who is making up the foursome. Both men are presentable and great company, with some culture and plenty of knowledgable things to say. And in my imagination the situation develops so that the chum takes a big interest in me, and despite the other man clocking me and kicking his pal under the table, remains oblivious to 'the facts' and gets himself highly infatuated, with follow-up flowers, pressure to date, and the rest. I've asked myself do I feel threatened, or pleased, or what, about such a scenario. I don't know the answer yet. But like you, I wouldn't run away from experiencing some mild and validating male interest.
Where does this come from? Is there some point at which you mentally make a complete switch into female thinking and emotional orientation - even prior to decisive feminisation - so that instead of just wanting to fulfill your heart's desire to be female, you actually start to behave female in every sense? As if some chemical in your body has now been released and bathed your brain in a 'let's have male attention' wash?
I follow Rebecca and Suzanne too, avidly, hoping to find out what happens and whether I could possibly do the same. Silly of me really, when I'm 57 and was socially clumsy and unattractive as a man. But I don't feel clumsy or unattractive now.
I have spent a lifetime loathing masculine males and have always kept my distance. Gay males have been the only group who ever found me attractive and without any encouragement, hopeless for someone with a lesbian brain!
After a year T less my abhorrence of the male has changed and there is now a small group spread over a thousand miles who are embraceable and even Sacha's stubbly kisses, he is French, do not shock like they would have done a while ago.
Caroline xx
@Lucie: I love your scenario. And it could happen.
I think I've blogged about the sexuality shift, and I think you're right about opposite and same. I know a trans woman who used to identify as a gay man, and was sexually active. Now, she is attracted to women. I bet that sort of thing happens more often than we expect, and as far as I know, no one has studied the phenomenon. I used to think that my sexual orientation would be unaffected by transition.
But I don't feel clumsy or unattractive now.
That really made me smile. Good for you!
@Caroline: I think I need to find a study about this phenomenon.
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