The hormone shift

I got very interesting comments on my entry to the blog chain "What does it mean to be a woman?" One of the cool things is that the woman who started the blog chain is a woman-born-female-bodied, and naturally other entries in the blog chain are also from women-born-female-bodied. Since most of the blogs I read are written by trans women or trans men, it was nice to get a new perspective.

One woman-born-female-bodied who wrote a comment to me calls herself Flartus, and she writes a blog called Flartopia. I really appreciated her take on what it means to be a woman, because unlike several of the other writers, she is not a mother, and she is also a lesbian. In her comment, she asked me how it was to shift from male-normal hormones to female-normal, since she has only ever known female-normal.

I've written about this in the past, but not for a long time, and not really thoroughly, so I will give it a try now. Two caveats. First, this is only about my own experience. I can't speak for any other trans woman. Second, and more importantly, I can't necessarily separate the effects of social and psychological transition from those of hormonal transition. Some things might be a result of one or the other. For instance, I felt very much better when I came to terms with being transsexual and with knowing that I was going to transition, even though it was months before I took my first hormone pill. Many effects are probably a result of both, and I don't want to ascribe to hormones alone what is really the result of the total change.

Given those caveats, one thing that I think I can safely ascribe to the change in hormone balance is the cessation of what some have described as noise in their head. I had never known that being constantly bombarded by thoughts, bits of songs, and ideas, all moving very fast, was not normal. I was more or less used to it. It was annoying sometimes, because it made it difficult to do some things, like put thoughts to paper (or disk) before they flew away, but I thought that was just the way things were. One of the reasons I used to use a particular form of self medication was because it slowed my thoughts down to the point where I could actually know what they were. I really did do some good writing and other good work while under the influence.

But the change in that "normalcy" was one of the first things I noticed after starting estrogen. And it was such a relief. I was calmer. I had so much more clarity. I had an easier time writing. I could actually have some quiet time in my head. I didn't have a constant, confused dialogue going on.

This isn't what happens for anyone on estrogen. It was just a sign that estrogen was a good fit with my brain, that my body and brain really were mismatched. With more estrogen and much less testosterone, my brain worked better. It worked before, but suboptimally in many ways. I imagine something similar happens for female-to-male transsexuals when they start using testosterone, because their mismatch is the opposite of mine.

Another change that I think is more hormones than not is the difference in how I relate to my body. In a way that's hard to explain, my muscles feel better to me now. I have much less tension in my body. I feel more connected to it. I feel as though I move through space more gracefully than I used to, although that might just be part of the behavioural liberation that goes along with social transition. I feel more sensation in my softer skin, and I enjoy all kinds of touching more than I used to.

I think this is related to one of the more subjective differences I sense: I feel right. I feel right in my own skin. I feel that this is normal. No longer do I have the constant thought that something just isn't right with me, that there's something I'm missing. I'm not missing it any longer. I think this is really an effect of the entire transition, but I do think there is a strong hormonal component.

I've seen people downplay the effects of hormones. They tend to place more emphasis on the social and psychological aspects of transition, the liberation that comes from living a new life. And I would never downplay any of that. I know someone who has transitioned without any hormone change, thanks to National Health Service delays, and she is better off than she was. But our bodies are suffused with chemicals. That's how they work. We can change the chemical makeup of our bodies by various actions, thoughts, and techniques, but we can't change everything. Hormones are highly influential on how our bodies work, and sex hormones no less than others. Sex hormones don't just influence our physicality. They influence how we think and feel. How could they not? We are not disembodied spirits! We are very much flesh and blood creatures.

One thing I will add is that my hormone levels are not quite female normal, even for a virtual teenage girl (my estrogen is higher than it would be for a woman my age). I take medroxyprogesterone acetate, a progestin, every day. I do not cycle estrogen and progesterone as happens naturally for most post-pubescent, pre-menopausal women-born-female-bodied. Some trans women do, but I don't know any trans health care providers who recommend it. So I have a constant level of progesterone along with a constant level of estrogen.

I hope this was a good answer to the question! And I'll take any essentialist lumps that come my way.