Touching base

I saw my therapist yesterday for the first time in almost three months. I didn't have any pressing issues, but it's a little over three and a half months before genital surgery, and I did have some things to talk about, so I thought it was a good time for a visit. Besides, my therapist is a really smart, insightful person, and an hour with her is a good hour.

I dressed a bit fashionista yesterday. I was just in the mood, and I thought I was going to go shopping after my session. The outfit was built upward from the cute ankle boots again, and it ended up being pretty much the same outfit as I wore to the potluck a couple of weeks ago, plus a scarf. I wish my photographer hadn't been so busy! Anyway, my therapist doesn't usually say anything about appearance, but right away she complimented me on the outfit and how good I looked. It was a good start!

We seguéd from that into my disappointment with my lack of physical development, and how the lack of development makes transition seem a little less real. She reminded me that pretty much all women, maybe even all humans, have some issue with their bodies. We talked about the possibility of breast implants. She said that implants often make a big difference to how small-breasted women feel about their bodies. I'm still not there, but never say never.

I told her I was excited about genital surgery and not nervous, at least not at this point. When the aftercare seems heinous to me, I remind myself that several friends and others I know have gone through it successfully, so I'm sure I can too. I told her that I was going to back off on facial surgery at the same time that wasn't specifically age-related. So I will leave my nose alone for now, but get an eyelid lift. I'll have to find out what is possible now that I'm taking rhinoplasty off the table. The reason I decided not to go into any kind of facial feminization surgery at this time is that I have not consulted with my (or any) surgeon about it, and I don't think one meeting a few days before surgery is enough. Hopefully during that meeting I can get at least some idea of what he thinks I might need.

We talked about my mom, of course, especially since that breach is a lot more painful for me than I often realize. I told her about Lori's blog entry and the good advice at the end that we can't demand or even ask for acceptance, only wait, and continue to love no matter what. She thought it best not even to hope, but I can't help hoping.

I told my therapist how wonderful my camp experience had been this summer and how great it was to be connected to so many cool and creative women. I talked about breakthroughs and how I seem to have got past the surprise at being accepted. I'll never take it for granted, but it's just part of life now. I also told her about my association with the feminist group made up mostly of trans women, all young. She was glad that I was hanging out with them.

I mentioned my internalized transphobia, but we didn't really get into that, and I think that's OK. I identified it, and confronted it, and I think the situation is improving. I'm still more interested in being a "normal woman" than in being out and proud, but I won't shy away either from my own past or from associating with other trans people. I feel pretty relaxed about it all at this point. I also feel pretty feminine, and my therapist said that she no longer sees any of the typically masculine behaviours that I once had. I love that kind of feedback.

We didn't get into my shifting sexual orientation. I didn't put it down on my list! Maybe that suggests that I'm OK with that, for now anyway.

I'm OK with most things these days, and that's a relief. I'm sure there will still be drama, but I don't look for it, and I think much of it is behind me. Still, I'm sure I'll see my therapist at least once more before surgery. Maybe next time I'll bring coffee and cakes!