Part of the requirement for my practicum and thus for my counselling certificate was to participate in five seminars at school. Last night was my final one. I had to present a case to the class, which is the kind of thing counsellors do at clinical meetings. Seminar participants, and the facilitator, act as colleagues. When you're finished with the presentation, they usually ask questions and sometimes make treatment suggestions.
Normally we have tables arranged around the room so that we can all face each other. Last night, the room was too small to do much to change its configuration, so we didn't bother. Some did their presentations from their seats, but I decided I didn't want people behind me to be listening to the back of my head.
So when it was my turn, I stood up, handed a copy of my presentation to the facilitator, and stayed in front of the room. I started out with one leg on an empty table and one on the floor, but soon I was just sitting on the table. I gave my presentation. I wasn't nervous, even being in front of the room. I felt very confident. I made sure to make eye contact with people in various parts of the room. I got a good mark.
I used to be able to stand up in front of a crowd, so this isn't entirely new. But that was usually when I was behind a microphone and a guitar, or playing a part on stage. This ease with making a presentation, with presenting myself, is new. It's hard for me to believe just how comfortable I am with myself now. Who the heck is that girl? Is this really me? I'm still getting used to these wonderful changes!
On a related note, something struck me last Friday as I was filing something away between sessions. I like myself! It was really just a little thing, but it felt profound. I used to think that I liked myself before, but I was always my own worst critic. It was a very qualified liking that mostly involved thinking that I'd like myself better if that or that were different. And so I never really did accept myself the way I was. Now I do. There are still things I want to change, but I have a basic acceptance that I never used to have.
Going Home For The Holidays
1 hour ago
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4 comments:
This bodes so well for the life ahead, to like yourself, be confident in your new skin, and enjoy public recognition as Veronique. Overcoming fear and self-doubt is the key to so much.
I often say to people nowadays that ten years from now, when 67 say, I want to be able to perform some significant public service as an older and respected member of the local commununity - a seat on the parish council will do; but I will consider being a magistrate trying small cases, if asked - as a kind of payback to society for letting me be born in a civilised country, providing me with an education, and keeping me safe and well throughout a long life; and forgiving all the bad incidents that the so-called civilised society let happen. That time of respect and service will not come unless there is total acceptance of me in my late-start role in life as Lucy Melford. Public acceptance and inner acceptance.
I see you as now being at that moment when so many huge things suddenly become concrete possibilities. Next step: what dreams can you now make real? They are all within reach.
Isn't validation wonderful? ... and all the more so when it comes from our acts!
Liking yourself is a huge goal I've not quite attained it. So congratulations on achieving this.
Your right it should feel natural and of no great consequence but it can be hard to achieve for many of us. In general I like myself a lot more now as a woman yet there are a lot of other areas beside gender where I really need improvement.
When I can just keep my focus on the positive things I'm fine. It's those introspective critical times that remind I still have a ways to go.
@Lucy: Public service is a wonderful thing. What are the qualifications for being a magistrate? I think both inner and public acceptance will come with time.
@Teri: I have plenty of stuff in me that needs fixing -- probably nothing worse than procrastination (but I'll do that tomorrow) -- but I just find that I'm no longer beating myself up because I haven't fixed everything yet. I like the interim imperfect creature that I am. :)
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